Hello, It's Me

Once upon a time, I was on a track and that track was articulated through this blog. A blog I pushed along for an impressive few years. A blog I had completely forgotten about until this evening when, at 12:00am I googled "where to start a blog in 2023" and was pointed to Blogger. I logged in, excited to design my new writing space only to learn that I already had one, and that I hadn't written in it since 2012. A lifetime ago.

"Here's to Forever." What a joke. Well, not so much a joke as a dedication to an ideal I was actively selling to the world. I took the time tonight to read back through each of my entries. Post after post about my "amazing husband," dedication to marriage, and lessons learned in maturity. And in-between the lines, to the reader-in-the-know (probably only me), evidence of frequent fighting, insecurity, and questions about myself and who I was becoming. Posts of half-stories showing only the positive start without revealing the negative conclusion. Regular revelations that "no one will ever know me as well as Christopher knows me," to place a kind spin on the constant feedback I received that I was never enough. That I was failing. 

In truth, I wasn't ever going to be enough for him. I couldn't be, and it would take me six additional years before I would be able to admit why. But let's not start there. Let's start here, and let's start fresh...

Check out my new blog if you dare, Life Growing Sideways. See you soon!

Dig Down Deep

It's been a long time since I've posted anything to this site.  I didn't realize quite how long, because I always have this blog in the back of my mind whenever something odd or profound happens, but I have certainly been remiss over the past year. Sorry for that. A lot has gone on in that time. So much that I don't even remember all of it and, even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start talking about it.  Honestly, most of it wouldn't make sense to you anyhow.  I don't mean that in an insulting way; I mean it literally.  I am a graduate student, loaded with all the baggage that comes with it.

Graduate school is a strange and challenging process. It is a life-altering, time- and personality-consuming, labor-intensive process. In some ways I feel smarter than I've ever been in my whole life. Yet, in other ways I've never felt so stupid. There's so much information swimming around in my brain that I can barely form cohesive sentences, and that's a bummer because I already had a tendency to jumble my words together. Like, a lot! Chris jokes that I'm creating my own secret language, like what twins do, except this is just for myself.  It's a bizarre and kind of depressing thought, but probably not too terribly off base. 

Honestly, since being in the program I feel that I've been steadily forgetting myself. Like, I'm Alice staring through the looking glass at what my life once was and wondering how I got where I am right now.  I worked really hard to get here, but it definitely came at a cost that I didn't foresee. Couldn't foresee. The weirdest part is that I didn't go anywhere, physically. I'm still here in Portland, still at PSU, still married to the same wonderful man... Yet, I've gone through the same reinvention process that one goes through when they relocate to a new city and start a new life with new friends.  I have no time to spend maintaining my old friendships, which you would think would be the more time efficient route to take; they already know me. However, with the nature of the program I am on campus all the time. All. The. Time. And the only people I see are the ones who are directly relevant to my day-to-day life: my cohort, faculty, classmates, grad students, and office staff. 

This is not me complaining about anyone, so I hope I'm not giving off that impression.  I love all of my new friends so much.  They are my rocks, my war buddies, and they have had my back time and time again over the past year. And they are the only ones who truly understand what this process entails. But sometimes I feel like I'm stretching too far, trying too hard to fit in with everyone.  I'm a connector, a relator. Someone who likes knowing everyone and bringing people together.  I'm good at it... I hope. I guess I just worry that I'm limited by my new position sometimes.  I used to have a broad vision of the universe, and I was able to inhabit many roles and any roles I wanted at any given time. I could move between situations with ease and comfort, without feeling socially or intellectually challenged. Now I am a grad student, first and foremost. Mind you, 'grad student' sounds like one role, but it's actually not.  Let me clarify. Grad student (in my program/track) = student, adviser, research assistant, project manager, grad student association co-facilitator, supervisor, mentee, and mentor. At less busy times, I also get to be a good wife, although that doesn't happen nearly as often as I would like. 

It's difficult feeling like I'm pushing myself to my absolute limit, yet could always be doing better and working harder. I was never a neurotic person before entering the program, but now I've become a constant ball of anxiety. Ironically, lately a lot of students in my program have been telling me that they're impressed by how 'together' I am all the time. Many have even called me brave, although I have no idea where they're getting that from. These days, I feel like I would trade in 'intelligent', 'brave', 'together', and 'proactive' to be described as 'warm', 'friendly', 'genuine', 'sociable', and 'talented' again. I guess I would just like to feel like myself again. 

One of the big problems with free-writing these blog posts, as I tend to do, is that whatever is on my mind comes out on the page. Sometimes the message is positive, sometimes melancholic, and sometimes (far less often) it's sad.  I guess I've been feeling down in the dumps lately.  I miss my friends, family, cats, and chickens. I miss singing (a lot), painting, and reading books for fun. I miss my chin, which grad school seems to have stolen from me (damn avoidance coping strategies!). I miss my never-failing confidence. I miss my autonomy. Mostly I just miss feeling like I'm good at something. Like really good, without any doubts. Yes, there are many, MANY positives associated with where I'm at in life right now, and I'm working hard toward a better future for myself and Christopher.  It's just tough, and I'm exhausted.  It's been a long year and a half, and it will be an even longer next three years. Something's gotta give soon. 

Sorry for not writing for a long time, and I'm truly sorry that my first post back is a bummer.  I probably shouldn't post it, but one of the few traits I still proudly maintain is my complete and total willingness to be honest.  So, here it is, unedited and uncensored. Who knew grad school would be so tough?  Oh yeah, everyone ever. Zoinks!

Candle on the Water

I've written many posts about the ins and outs of getting older. Tonight's message will be much the same.

As we transition to adulthood... Well, 'transition' is not exactly the right word. As adulthood is thrust upon us, we begin to make important decisions; decisions to get married, get divorced, buy a house, have a baby, change cable companies, etc. And as we progress through these steps, our friends are navigating through their own timelines and stages. Sometimes their decisions coincidentally line up with ours, sometimes they don't, but undoubtedly if you're close enough to that person(s) what's happening in their life will spill over into yours. This is when making adult decisions becomes muddy and complicated.

Since the new year began, we have attended my younger brother's wedding, congratulated our best friends on their new pregnancy/impending wedding, talked through a divorce with another, and coached one of my dearest friends through a difficult separation. Oh, and we have recently decided to start trying for a baby within a year. So, there's that.

So far, 2012 is proving to be a strange year for love and self-discovery. It has caused me/us to reassess the institution of marriage, and gain further appreciation for the bond we have. It is difficult to be happy for new relationships while watching old ones crumble unexpectedly, but c'est la vie I suppose. At my brother's wedding Chris and I were talking with my uncle Eddie, an amazing man who has been faithfully married to his equally amazing wife for somewhere around 48 years; and his daughter, Kelli, told us a valuable bit of wisdom she had heard from him in years prior. He told her that the key to maintaining a successful marriage was to see the person you're with, and only them, forever and honestly; and not to let the idea or possibility of anyone else ever cross your mind. The 'we' is infinitely more important than the 'me'. This message seems particularly salient now.

It feels strange to make 'forever' decisions, and I don't know that I'll ever get used to it. But I'm learning to embrace the weird of it. Yes, school is important and the bills must get paid, but our love and life come first. New Year's resolution #142: Love without boundaries, and forever be grateful.

Hazy Shade of Winter

If there's one thing that visiting Florida always reminds me of, it's my overwhelming hatred of hot, sticky weather. Holy Jeebus, was it ever hot there this weekend! It was actually 93 degrees with 60% humidity yesterday. Yuck! It never ceases to amaze me how much people in Portland complain about the weather there: how it's too rainy and cold most of the year. I will take 60 degrees and drizzly over 90 degrees and torrential downpour any day.

I was supposed to fly back to Portland yesterday and start grad school this morning, but due to some technical issues my flight was cancelled and I was forced to leave today instead. So, here I sit, crammed into the window seat of my airplane next to a seven-foot tall basketball player who won't stop squirming long enough for me to get comfortable (and he's totally hogging the arm rest!). It's funny, yesterday when my dad was driving me to the airport I told him that I didn't want to start school the next day. I said, "all I need is one more day off before I start. That would be perfect." Well, I guess the moral of the story is to be careful what you wish for, huh?

Soon I will be home again, and it can't get here quick enough. Facebook updates have informed me that Fall has come to Portland already. How exciting! I've been dreaming of cool weather, pumpkins, and hot tea all weekend. Looks like I'll get my fix sooner than expected!

Thanks for the Memories

We all get older. We may not necessarily all 'grow up', we may follow different paths entirely (or still be searching for our paths), but time affects everyone the same. This weekend I attended a wedding which, for all intents and purposes, was as much a sort of high school reunion as it was a marriage reception. I saw people I haven't seen or talked to in ten years, and I reconnected with some that I haven't spoken to outside of Facebook in almost as many. It was really nice. Some people have done amazingly well at life so far, by all measurable standards. They are married, have great jobs, wear nice clothes, own cars, mingle like champs... You get the idea. Some have let their vices define them, unfortunately, and have hit a sort of standing pattern until the next phase of life finds them. Then there are those of us who fall somewhere in the middle. We are the ones who are on the cusp of being grownups, able to fit in and converse with both sides of the spectrum, because just as we are nearing respectable futures we still relate to the people we were just a few years (months?) ago.

I missed my high school reunion, but the wedding filled whatever void my absence there might have created. I get it. It was truly wonderful hanging out with all of my friends, and in a way channelling who we used to be: the outcasts and/or the 'cool' kids on the periphery. And there were dinosaurs! Dinosaurs are awesome.

Now, time to get back to real life and start grad school in the morning. Nothing like the thought of Univariate Statistics to sober you up.

My Baby's Got a Secret

Okay, it's 1:22am and I have a confession to make.  Remember that inspired blog I wrote a while back that was all about how I've become a morning person and started a garden? Well...

After one week of enjoying my newly found morning-person-ness, I quickly fell back into my old habits.  Case in point, I'm still awake right now.  In fact, for the past three weeks or so I've been staying up until at least 2:00am and fighting with myself to get up in time to run out the door for work in the mornings.  And the garden? Well, it's pretty much deceased at this point.  I'm chocking that up to a lack of consistent watering (all four of us work different, long hours so it's hard to keep a good watering schedule) and the crazy high temperatures that we've been experiencing in Portland over the past few weeks. Whatever the cause, our stuff is definitely not rocking right now.

I am not disheartened by this information, though. Nope, not at all.  It's just another in a long series of life lessons.  In the general way, I've tended to live my life moving from one extreme to the next.  For instance, I thought I might secretly be a city person, so I up and moved to New York.  Turns out my body and mind craved more nature than the Big Apple was able to provide. Then I thought I might be more into the old-timey, rural lifestyle so Chris and I moved into my grandmother's old house in a small town in Central Florida. Yeah, that turned out to be more creepy than anything.  The experience, if nothing else, taught me that I am not a fan of what the kids call 'country dark'; I was pretty well convinced that every bump in the night was some sort of country bumpkin serial killer trying to break in and... Well, you know.  So, in a kind of inspired compromise, Chris and I moved out here to embrace the city-meets-nature wonderment of Portland.

See, I wasn't at all lying in the other blog.  I actually do want chickens, and I would love to have a beautiful garden and fruit trees.  I just now know that the missing link to making that equation truly fantastic was a well-paid, talented expert to do all of the actual gardening for us.  You know, someone who can actually be devoted to the well-being of our veggies and fruits and water them regularly.  See, I learned something!  Yay!

Regarding the sleep schedule issue, I am pretty well at a loss.  I think some people just aren't meant to get up early, and I thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I've chosen a career path which can potentially allow for a semi-flexible schedule.  Really, it's for the benefit of everyone involved.  Just ask Chris, you do not want to be near me that early anyhow.  I'm a cranky wench.  No lie.

Anyhoo, I'm going to try to get some sleep now, by the light of my computer monitor.  I think I've also become an internet addict, but that's a subject for another post.  Until then, toodle-oo!

Everyday

For no reason whatsoever, despite the fact that I am not at all a fan of the group, I woke up this morning with Dave Matthew's "Everyday" playing over and over in my head. I've been feeling absolutely rejuvenated the past couple of weeks, ever since we got back from Seattle.  Wait, when did that happen?  Maybe it was more like a week and a half ago.

I have to be honest, Seattle as a destination was pretty okay.  The food was good, but the ambiance everywhere felt... How should I put it?  Borrowed.  The whole time we were there all I could do was name the other cities that it reminded me of: San Francisco, Chicago, Asheville, Lincoln, etc. The food was great, the people were as was expected (BTW, the comedian was totally right!), and the company was fantastic.  The trip helped to remind me that I absolutely married the best and only man in the world for me.

As some of you know, the trip to Seattle was sort of a birthday surprise.  I use the word 'surprise' very loosely since Chris told me he was wanting to take me there and then asked me to make all of the hotel and restaurant arrangements for the weekend.  I have to admit, at first I was a little taken aback by the proposition but Chris new exactly what he was doing.  He knows that I love the planning almost as much (or more) than the actual trip.

There's a kind of thrill that I get from making a decision and seeing it go well. Maybe everyone else feels that way, I don't know. Before we left, I created a bookmarks folder full of restaurants and places to visit.  I can say, with a strong sense of accomplishment, that 80% of the plans worked out brilliantly! We may not have visited the Space Needle (sorry Mitch), but we did have one of the best meals of my life at the Tin Table restaurant. Seriously, Chris and I ate through literally half of the menu as we sat and talked for hours. I also highly recommend The Pink Door (awesome italian food and burlesque shows), Cafe Flora (best breakfast I've had in a long time), and the Experience Music Project museum.

Anyway, suffice it to say we had a fantastic trip! I knew that I needed to get away, but I didn't realize how much my body and mind needed that reboot. I feel completely recharged and ready for the next phase of life. Bring it on!