Hot For Teacher

Life is a process of constantly learning.  I am continually reminded of this fact as I grow and evolve.  I feel like I'm always discovering and rediscovering how to love, how to be appreciative, how to listen, and how to express myself.  There are certain factors in our lives - triggers - that force us to re-evaluate who we are. Often times these are attributed to love and loss, money and poverty... You know, all the really important moments that we struggle with from year to year.  Lord knows I've spent plenty of time trying to "find" myself in multiple states, jobs, boyfriends, and vacations.  I suppose even this blog could be defined as a means for me to continue on my journey of self-discovery and emotional competence.

More so than anything else, my marriage has been the thing that has kept me constantly guessing about myself. There's something about being connected to someone for the rest of your life, and making that commitment to him and to yourself that forces you to adopt a perspective which necessitates adaptability in a way that you never thought yourself capable of. No fight will ever be so big that he and I won't work it out, because we've made a promise to each other to stay together and be happy with that decision. Love is not enough to keep a couple together, but it is the key ingredient to making that joined life totally awesome and undeniably worth it.

Marriage is a funny thing in that it forces you to be more introspective, and having a spouse is in some ways like having a mirror that reflects yourself in all of your best and worst ways so that you are made hyper aware of both your good qualities and those which you would rather turn a blind eye to.  This, of course, can be interpreted as a blessing and a curse, although I must say I rather enjoy it.  I will never know myself better than Christopher knows me, and that both horrifies me and makes me extremely grateful that I will have him in my life.

In case you were wondering how my blog got its title, this is it.  Here's to forever.

Same Old Lang Syne

I'm not the sort of person who makes New Year's resolutions.  For one, I think New Year's Eve/Day is a silly holiday meant only to mark the arbitrary passing of time with copious amounts of alcohol and bad decisions.  Second, I believe that resolutions are merely goals which can, and should, be made and followed at any point through out the year.  In fact, I find that I am more likely to stick to my guns when I set resolutions at times that are appropriate for myself rather than designated by societal pressures.  That being said, I have reached yet another point in my life where I feel a distinct need to redefine my priorities and set new goals for my future.

After years of hard work and months of anticipation, I have officially been accepted to the social psychology PhD program at Portland State University!  This achievement was in no small part a direct result of support from many people, to whom I owe a great deal of respect and gratitude.  And it is for them, myself, my family, and my friends that I have an intense desire and need to excel in both my field of study and my life over the next four to five years.  As such, I have developed the following goals (in no specific order):

1. Exercise more often: This may seem like a pretty typical resolution, but, aside from my daily .5 mile sprint to the bus stop, I have been extremely lax (stop laughing, Christopher) in my exercise routine over the past two years.  To say that I never have the time would be something of an overstatement, as my current daily de-stress program involves watching reruns of guilty-pleasure TV shows. PSU has a fantastic gym that I haven't even stepped foot in yet, and that is going to change.  At the very least, I need to devote one hour per day toward physical activity to clear my head and help me stay focused.  I know I can do it, too.  When Chris first got together I was literally 20 pounds lighter and spent hours each day doing resistance training and cardio, and I felt fantastic!  That's not to say that my ultimate goal is to lose weight.  I mean, who am I kidding?  I was also 24 when he and I met, and genetics and time are no longer on my side.  I mostly just want to maintain and/or improve my health and well-being.
2. Read at least one book per month that has nothing to do with school: This resolution is tricky, but necessary.  As it currently stands, I've only read one book in the last six months that had nothing to do with psychology, and even it was an assignment for another class.  I need to stretch out my mind, give myself a break from technical reading/writing, and allow myself to become consumed in literature again.  Obviously, part of this resolution (well, all of them really) comes down to cutting some "me" time into my days, and not allowing myself to maintain my current routine of school-work-Chris-TV-sleep.
3. Call friends and family more often: As I become immersed in school work, I have a severe tendency to put my loved ones on the back-burner.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this trend, not that that excuses the behavior.  I allow calling people to become prioritized as a chore instead of a necessary break.  I'll admit it, I sometimes avoid phone calls just because I either 1) don't have time to talk, or 2) don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say.  This behavior must stop!  As Lori would so eloquently put it, I need to stop putting myself into a self-imposed 'dark place.' People need people, and I have to start letting myself require human interaction. I'm positive that over the next few years I will have to lean on my family and friends more heavily than ever for support.
4. Let my hair grow long:  You may be thinking, "why in the heck is this a resolution?"  Well, the answer is simple.  I look and feel better when my hair is long, but I have total crap patience.  At every point between chin-length and just-below-the-shoulders my hair is going through some sort of awkward phase.  It is usually at one of these lengths that I lose my cool and chop it off again. As such, I have made a pact with myself: I will not cut the length of my hair until I finish my Master's degree in two years time.  Until then I can trim the layers and bangs, but I have to let it continuously grow.  Don't worry, with the speed at which my hair actually develops, it'll probably only be to the base of my shoulder blades by then and I'm sure it will look fabulous!
5. Write down at least one good and one mediocre idea per day: I realized when I began this course of study two years ago that I was continuously inspired by psychology.  Over that time, I have had hundreds of ideas for research, experiments, and studies. Unfortunately, I've only taken the time to write down and develop five or six of them.  This resolution, essentially, is a two parter.  Part one involved buying a small notebook that I can keep as sort of an "idea diary." Subsequently, part two is carrying said notebook with me everywhere and writing down every idea I have, whether it be for a research proposal, blog entry, outfit, new goal, or grocery list.  I need to start treating every idea as if it's gold, because even if I think they're total crap now, in two, five, or even ten years time I may look back and decide that one of them is worth pursuing.  I have seen the way that the intense environment of grad school can leave students feeling drained and unmotivated, and I am enthusiastically committed to not allowing that to happen to me. 

Honestly, looking at this list now I have to admit that it is not at all the direction I thought I would go with it (I've sort of been free-writing this whole time).  I thought that I was going to produce goals that involved studying hard and living up to my potential.  That being said, I'm really happy with what I've produced here.  Clearly my mind and body know what I need to succeed over the next important chunk of my life, which is good because I need every part of me working hard to get through this.  Doing well in grad school is obviously an important goal of mine, but I am looking way past that now.  I need to succeed there so that when I'm out I can get a great job that allows us to climb out of debt so that we can finally start a family of our own.  I am so ready for this!

Changes

I'm feeling squibby. That's right, I made up a word for my current state.  You may be wondering, "Lindsey, what does squibby mean?"  Well, I'll tell you.

Squibby (adj.) - unsettled, restless, not quite right.

It may be because I'm anxious about my graduate school application (I won't find out anything until April), or because I have some kind of horrific, disgusting cold that has seemingly transformed my nose into a waterfall, or even because I am not feeling spiritually satisfied by my courses this term... whatever the cause, I'm in desperate need of a change.  I'd even settle for a vacation.

... Actually, now that I think about it, I'd prefer a vacation.  I haven't really had one in the past two years, unless you count visiting Florida, which I don't.  I love my family and friends (for really realz, I do!), but the old adage is true: you can never really go home again.  There is always too much to do, too many friends and family to see, and not nearly enough time or energy to do it.  Someone always ends up with their feelings hurt, Chris and I leave feeling guilty and frustrated, and I inevitably come back to Portland sick and exhausted. 

Yes, I need a vacation.  I've declared it.  It's officially true.  This past Christmas, Christopher and I decided to skip giving each other gifts in order to save money to go on a weekend trip somewhere in the Northwest.  I think it's time to cash in on that deal.  Then, when I come back, I'll be my old self again - smiling, happy, positive, with sinuses that don't resemble the Hoover Dam.  Too much information?  Sorry, but we're all family here.

PS - My brother is fine.  The cancer was completely removed, and two specialists confirmed that he has only a 5% chance of recurrence.  Huzzah!  Thank you for all of your kind words and good juju!

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

A lot of thought went into whether or not I should post this information to the internet, but sometimes emotions are just too big to keep bottled up inside.  I am worried about my little brother and I feel guilty for not being in Florida with my family right now.  Sometimes it's enough just to be thinking about the person, right?

For those of you who don't know, my brother (we'll call him Andy because he hates it) has been dealing with some difficult medical issues recently.  Last week he underwent surgery to have a medium-sized tumor removed from his stomach. On Monday he'll be meeting with his surgeon to receive a referral to a cancer specialist.  We don't yet know whether the tumor is benign or malignant, but we're all keeping our fingers crossed and our hopes high.  He's only 25 years old.

It's funny, my whole life I've had the possibility of cancer in the back of my head.  I realize that this contradicts my generally cheery disposition, as it sounds incredibly morbid, but it's true.  Within my lifetime I've had a handful of relatives suffer, and in most cases die, from it.  I often 'joke' that if I can make it past 35 I'll live to be 100.  Realistically, that trend tends to be true on both sides of the tree.

I love living in Portland, and moving across the country has done wonders for my sanity and general well-being, but it is both emotionally and mentally stressful to be so far away from everyone right now.  I want to be there to talk to the doctors because I know what questions to ask and what information to provide.  I want to cook meals for my brother and his fiance, and take them both out for a little rest and relaxation. Mostly, I want to be the big sister.

That being said, it seems as though I have no choice but to come to Florida for Christmas this year. I don't know how long I'll be there or what I'll be able to accomplish, but just seeing my family and knowing they're okay will be nice.  Plus, I like seeing the look on my mom's face when I hoist my 50-pound suitcase full of rice pasta into the car.

Please send good joo-joo Andy's way, if you are so inclined.  Thank you.

Come On-A My House

Have you ever heard the phrase "too many chefs in the kitchen"? Well, my life right now is an exact representation of that saying.  I'm not at all complaining. Heck no.  Honestly, I find it kind of fun and exciting! I know that phrase is supposed to have a negative connotation, but to me where food is concerned the more good cooks you can have around the better.

Allow me to start from the beginning.  In order for Chris and I to move into our fabulous new house we had to find roommates.  Fortunately for us two of our best friends from Florida, Alan and Martha, were looking to relocate out here around the same time our lease was up on the old place.  You've got to love serendipity!  Anyway, both of them are professional chefs - meat-loving, whole spice-using, Americana-appreciating, Emeril-fearing chefs.

Now, I don't know if I've told you this before but Christopher and I love to cook, and I don't want to toot my own horn but we're pretty dang good at it. However, he and I are more of the gluten-fearing, tofu-loving, thai/indian fusion-cooking, vegetarian type of people. In fact, whereas most new roommates focus on the financial details and chore distribution charts prior to cohabitation, the bulk of our conversations focused around the kitchen: how to properly separate meat and bread/flour tools from vegetarian and gluten free tools, what types of mushrooms would be in season upon their arrival, what recipes we had to make together, etc.  I mean finances are important, but food equals life!

I come from a southern family, and by southern I mean the orange groves of Florida and cotton fields of Alabama. Family gatherings were almost always focused around the meal which was usually a combination of traditional plates, each prepared by a different member of the family who specialized in that particular dish.  Gram (great grandma Laura) always made sweet potatoes slathered in toasted marshmallows, Grandma Helen spent all day working on her fried chicken, my mom made squash casserole and her "special salad"... Everybody pitched in to create the perfect, scrumptious family meal.

I find it extremely comforting that my new Portland family is working very much the same way.  We've cooked multiple fabulously scrumptious meals together!  My favorite, so far, was 'breakfast for dinner' night, when Alan and I teamed up to make GF pancakes with homemade huckleberry syrup, hashbrowns with cheese, my famous tofu-style bacon, fried cheese grit cakes, and fresh-cut real bacon (for the meaties in the house).  When dinner was ready we all sat down at the table together and enjoyed an old-fashioned, family-style meal. It was absolutely wonderful!

I would love to start posting recipes on this site, but I need some feedback from you first.  Would you, my bloggy friends, like to see that sort of content on this blog regularly?  If so, I'll start taking pictures and writing down ingredients more often.  All four of us tend to make recipes up as we go so it'll take some extra effort to figure out measurements, but it's well worth the effort if you are interested.  It's up to you; speak now or [don't] forever hold your peace!

Until next time, sia nara!

You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

Well, hello there!  I know, I'm sorry.  I've been neglecting you, my beloved blog. Once upon a time (in my first blog post) I promised to write something in you every day.  Eh, so that didn't quite work out.  Se la vie!

The reality is things have been rather hectic these past few months. I moved, started a new job and a new school semester, registered for the GRE (yikes!), revitalized my other blog (Life Beyond Gluten), and (dun, dun, dunnnnn) started a twitter account.  Okay, so the twitter account took about five seconds to create, but everything else has been very time intensive.  I promise!  Anyway, things have gotten a little crazy over here, and by 'over here' I mean in my brain.  I seriously might be losing it.  I just don't have the same chutzpah anymore.

I have two theories as to why my energy/dedication/sanity may be wavering:

1. I feel completely overwhelmed by the fact that I am going to school AND working AND studying for a test that will ultimately decide whether I get into grad school next year or take a year off to twiddle my thumbs for a while (melodramatic much?).
2. For the first time in a long time I am living somewhere that I don't hate, that isn't tiny, and that has built in friends, fun, and relaxation.  For the past two years Christopher and I have been cohabiting in a terrifically small studio apartment, which I was more than willing to escape from to work in the school computer labs every available moment.  Now, that extra push of external motivation is gone.  I didn't realize how much of my success was relying on that.

I have a sneaking suspicion that rather than choose one of the two theories to blame for my recent academic and blogging torpor (GRE word alert!), I should just throw my arms in the air and admit that the correct answer is all of the above.  My cup doth overfloweth with crap, yo! 

That having been said, I really do enjoy blogging.  It's relaxing and fun, and provides me with a place to expel my inner thoughts out into the universe. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am going to start blogging more often.  At least once per month, for the love of Pete!

I realize this wasn't much of an update, so I will write more tomorrow.  No really, I will.  Seriously.

Lindsey out!


 

Lost in the Supermarket

Every woman has some sort of ridiculous activity they like to engage in when they're alone.  In fact, Sex and the City devoted an entire episode to this exact phenomenon and affectionately named it "Secret Single Behavior (SSB)." Well, I am no exception.  In fact, I have many SSBs, but none please me more than fantasy online shopping. That's right, when I'm feeling funky or particularly independent I'll devote hours of my day to filling up online shopping carts at a variety of stores with no intention of ever buying. Don't judge me! Today I spent close to $600 imaginary dollars at Macy's, 6pm (thanks Lori!), REI, and Victoria's Secret.  I know, I know... $600 seems a little excessive, but I'm worth it, right?

It's funny, in real life I have absolutely no fashion sense.  I live in ratty, borderline 'Mom' jeans and plain colored tee shirts. Sometimes I'll throw in a button-up shirt just to shake things up a bit.  I own one skirt, which I refuse to give up as it is the only item of clothing I own that isn't completely androgynous. Online, however, I own lots of dresses and skirts, flowy peasant blouses, camisoles, adorable sandals, and ultra-sexy tops. Indeed, my alter ego is uber-chicktastic to the max. Someday, I'll have the time, money, energy, and confidence to actually buy myself some of my fantasy items.  Until then, I'll keep on keeping on with my SSB and you guys can submit my name to What Not to Wear.  Yeah, that sounds good. I'm sure Stacy and Clinton would have a field day with me.