Graduate school is a strange and challenging process. It is a life-altering, time- and personality-consuming, labor-intensive process. In some ways I feel smarter than I've ever been in my whole life. Yet, in other ways I've never felt so stupid. There's so much information swimming around in my brain that I can barely form cohesive sentences, and that's a bummer because I already had a tendency to jumble my words together. Like, a lot! Chris jokes that I'm creating my own secret language, like what twins do, except this is just for myself. It's a bizarre and kind of depressing thought, but probably not too terribly off base.
Honestly, since being in the program I feel that I've been steadily forgetting myself. Like, I'm Alice staring through the looking glass at what my life once was and wondering how I got where I am right now. I worked really hard to get here, but it definitely came at a cost that I didn't foresee. Couldn't foresee. The weirdest part is that I didn't go anywhere, physically. I'm still here in Portland, still at PSU, still married to the same wonderful man... Yet, I've gone through the same reinvention process that one goes through when they relocate to a new city and start a new life with new friends. I have no time to spend maintaining my old friendships, which you would think would be the more time efficient route to take; they already know me. However, with the nature of the program I am on campus all the time. All. The. Time. And the only people I see are the ones who are directly relevant to my day-to-day life: my cohort, faculty, classmates, grad students, and office staff.
This is not me complaining about anyone, so I hope I'm not giving off that impression. I love all of my new friends so much. They are my rocks, my war buddies, and they have had my back time and time again over the past year. And they are the only ones who truly understand what this process entails. But sometimes I feel like I'm stretching too far, trying too hard to fit in with everyone. I'm a connector, a relator. Someone who likes knowing everyone and bringing people together. I'm good at it... I hope. I guess I just worry that I'm limited by my new position sometimes. I used to have a broad vision of the universe, and I was able to inhabit many roles and any roles I wanted at any given time. I could move between situations with ease and comfort, without feeling socially or intellectually challenged. Now I am a grad student, first and foremost. Mind you, 'grad student' sounds like one role, but it's actually not. Let me clarify. Grad student (in my program/track) = student, adviser, research assistant, project manager, grad student association co-facilitator, supervisor, mentee, and mentor. At less busy times, I also get to be a good wife, although that doesn't happen nearly as often as I would like.
It's difficult feeling like I'm pushing myself to my absolute limit, yet could always be doing better and working harder. I was never a neurotic person before entering the program, but now I've become a constant ball of anxiety. Ironically, lately a lot of students in my program have been telling me that they're impressed by how 'together' I am all the time. Many have even called me brave, although I have no idea where they're getting that from. These days, I feel like I would trade in 'intelligent', 'brave', 'together', and 'proactive' to be described as 'warm', 'friendly', 'genuine', 'sociable', and 'talented' again. I guess I would just like to feel like myself again.
One of the big problems with free-writing these blog posts, as I tend to do, is that whatever is on my mind comes out on the page. Sometimes the message is positive, sometimes melancholic, and sometimes (far less often) it's sad. I guess I've been feeling down in the dumps lately. I miss my friends, family, cats, and chickens. I miss singing (a lot), painting, and reading books for fun. I miss my chin, which grad school seems to have stolen from me (damn avoidance coping strategies!). I miss my never-failing confidence. I miss my autonomy. Mostly I just miss feeling like I'm good at something. Like really good, without any doubts. Yes, there are many, MANY positives associated with where I'm at in life right now, and I'm working hard toward a better future for myself and Christopher. It's just tough, and I'm exhausted. It's been a long year and a half, and it will be an even longer next three years. Something's gotta give soon.
Sorry for not writing for a long time, and I'm truly sorry that my first post back is a bummer. I probably shouldn't post it, but one of the few traits I still proudly maintain is my complete and total willingness to be honest. So, here it is, unedited and uncensored. Who knew grad school would be so tough? Oh yeah, everyone ever. Zoinks!
