Once upon a time, I was on a track and that track was articulated through this blog. A blog I pushed along for an impressive few years. A blog I had completely forgotten about until this evening when, at 12:00am I googled "where to start a blog in 2023" and was pointed to Blogger. I logged in, excited to design my new writing space only to learn that I already had one, and that I hadn't written in it since 2012. A lifetime ago.
"Here's to Forever." What a joke. Well, not so much a joke as a dedication to an ideal I was actively selling to the world. I took the time tonight to read back through each of my entries. Post after post about my "amazing husband," dedication to marriage, and lessons learned in maturity. And in-between the lines, to the reader-in-the-know (probably only me), evidence of frequent fighting, insecurity, and questions about myself and who I was becoming. Posts of half-stories showing only the positive start without revealing the negative conclusion. Regular revelations that "no one will ever know me as well as Christopher knows me," to place a kind spin on the constant feedback I received that I was never enough. That I was failing.
In truth, I wasn't ever going to be enough for him. I couldn't be, and it would take me six additional years before I would be able to admit why. But let's not start there. Let's start here, and let's start fresh...
Check out my new blog if you dare, Life Growing Sideways. See you soon!
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