Don't Stop Believing

It is a bittersweet pill to take, realizing that you are no longer who you were. In fact, the me of two years ago probably wouldn't recognize who I am now. Not that I'm saying there was anything wrong with who I was then, but I had no idea what I was capable of.  I didn't consider myself the academic/college type.  I took my retail jobs WAY too seriously, because I genuinely thought I had no other career options. I was still desperately clinging to my single self, afraid to fully embrace my marriage. And I had surrounded myself with people who were exactly like me, to validate the person I thought I was. Something about completely separating myself from my home town and starting over really changed my perceptions regarding life, love, and possibilities. I have come a long way in a short amount of time, and I do love the person (student, wife, woman, and professional) that I have become.

Last week a friend from back home stayed with us, and it was wonderful spending time with her.  We laughed, drank, and ate until our stomaches and wallets couldn't take it anymore.  But, despite the fun and games, I found myself struggling to relate to her the same way I used to.  It was like, she was exactly the girl I remembered, but I wasn't the person she expected me to be.  I couldn't, in good conscience, bitch about the man in my life, or complain about the "joys" of working retail.  Most importantly, I couldn't pretend to be the ditzy, clumsy, bubbly girl that she remembered.  In fact, one night we went out for drinks, and the next morning she said something like, "I'm really surprised you didn't get sicker last night!  I was expecting to have to carry you home like usual." Just hearing that made me shudder a little bit. Is that who I was?  Sadly, yes, but we were all young and stupid once. Gladly, I feel like I've finally become the mature adult I always wanted to be, but was too afraid to admit.

I feel like, despite these realizations and monumental shifts in priorities, I still have no idea how to bring who I am now to who I knew then.  When I go home for the holidays or friends come out here, I incur a huge amount of cognitive dissonance.  I literally don't know how to act.  I know who my family and friends expect me to be, and I know enough psychological theory to realize that they will perceive me in that way forever no matter how I behave. However, I still want to express who I really am in a way that they will see and understand.

Often times I think about the friends of mine who went off to college right out of high school and actually finished their degrees in a normal timeline.  Many of them are working on graduate school now and have fantastic jobs that they are proud of. I wonder if they thought about me the same way I'm thinking about my other friends now.  I genuinely ponder whether or not they had trouble relating to me, because I had no idea what they had been through and how capable they were. They must have, at least a little bit, because now I feel like they are some of my favorite people to talk to.  I finally get it, and can relate to them on a different level than before.

There is no real point to this blog (is there ever?), except to say that life is tough, and, at times, isolating. It is up to all of us to figure out who we really are, and keep that realization in our hearts and minds, despite how others might perceive us (or how we perceive them perceiving us). I could pull a Carrie Bradshaw and end with a semi-thoughtful question, but I think I've said it all. Love you guys!