I had an epiphany tonight, after laying in bed most of the day, eating far too many candy corn and watching old television reruns. There's an aspect of my personality which I've been trying to put my finger on for a long time now; a part of me which makes it difficult to maintain friendships, excel in workplaces, and fully enjoy my educational experience. It feels odd talking about this online, but I promised myself that this blog would act as a diary, so I'm going to disclose my realization to the internet public, in the hopes that I will achieve a catharsis (and hopefully a limited amount of embarrassment and self-doubt). Basically, I am not selfless enough. I am far more selfish a person than I give myself credit for. I realize that it is impossible to truly be selfless; even if one is not expecting a positive outcome from committing a charitable act, one will still receive some sense of happiness and well-being as a result, which could arguably be considered a benefit for oneself. Ere go, you can never truly give without receiving something in return. However, I do believe that I need to make more of an effort to give, without expectations and/or perceived positive outcomes. This applies to all aspects of my life.
As I've previously mentioned, I am majoring in Psychology, with the hopes of pursuing a PhD in Social Psychology. This career goal, in and of itself, implies a certain amount of wanting to help people, and the point of discovering one's personal focus should be to serve as a motivator for working within a community. However, I have been so concerned with getting the 'right' grades, meeting the 'right' people, and saying the 'right' things, that I haven't really done anything. Not anything substantial, at least. I've gotten great grades, and I've met amazing people, but I've been saying all of the wrong things. I've been speaking with the intent to impress, and directing the conversation in ways which I perceive that the speaker will enjoy. I have not been speaking from my heart, and I haven't been honest with anyone. My advisors' inability to help me hasn't been a flaw in them or the school, which I had previously concluded, but rather a problem with my inability to communicate my positions effectively. They couldn't have known how to help me, because, really, they have no idea who I am or what I am really about.
Likewise, my execution of goals has been flawed from the start. I have been learning about people, communities, and the problems therein, but I haven't been volunteering in or helping my community in any way, yet. I have been gaining all of this knowledge, and complaining about the lack of opportunities to apply it in a research setting, yet there are dozens of "helping" organizations in the Portland area, and I haven't visited any of them. It is easy to sit in class and debate the reasons and solutions for the homelessness situation in Portland, but I could have been learning so much more by volunteering in chemical dependency counseling centers and shelters. If I truly plan to someday help people and communities, then I need to start now. I need to start committing selfless acts, and learn more from the people around me.
All of this time I've been waiting to be discovered for all of the 'great' things I've been doing, but none of that really matters. It shouldn't be about me or what I've done at all, but about what I'm doing without the intention of being noticed for it. I need to take myself out of the equation entirely and focus on others for a change. I need to judge less and listen more, but mostly I need to stop trying to impress people and let them see who I really am, flaws and all.
No comments:
Post a Comment